The True Story Of Easter

I have never understood the Easter holiday. It is supposed to honor the comeback of a sorcerer who claimed to be the sun of Ra or something. This is celebrated by Jesus laying colored eggs that children collect while wearing outfits befitting a Kentucky Derby (another just as important holiday). So I've decided to decipher Easter to try and make sense of this peculiar tradition.

The Saxons (ancient German tribes) began Easter to celebrate spring which meant the renewal of life, to promote fertility of crops, etc. by worshipping the pagan goddess Eastre. Rabbits became revered because of their ability to reproduce rapidly even becoming pregnant with a new litter before the previous group is even born (superfetation).

When Christian missionaries tried to convert these Saxon tribes, they turned pagan festivals into Christian holidays in an early form of advertising. So obviously, Christians blended their celebration of the magician's rebirth with the rabbit to create the 2nd mascot for their god (the 1st being Jesus).

Eastre became Easter and the rabbit became representative of innocent sacrifice like the "lamb of god." The modern Easter Bunny began again with ze Germans in the 1500's who believed a magical rabbit Oschter Haws (no more ridiculous than a wizard son god) left a nest of colorful eggs if they were good. Kinda like Santa Claus only with worse gifts. Christians thought "why not" and adopted this practice as well.

So while Christians are not very creative adopting practices of pagan Germans, we have discovered how this tradition began and morphed into the absurd practice that it is today. Still, we here at ImpOp have discovered the true meaning of Easter! Easter causes sheeple to spend $1.9 billion dollars on candy every year. That's 90 million chocolate bunnies, 700 million marshmellow peeps, and nearly 20 billion jellybeans that are produced just for the holiday.

The true meaning of Easter is commerce for the American government that supports it and a giant promotional event for Christians. Both are annoying and should be viewed as the advertising events they are, not religious holidays to honor their favorite necromancer, and promote their business. -ImpOp